


walked the ocean for you (and you didn't say goodbye)

by JunheeCanHaveMyKidney (orphan_account)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Boyfriends, Double B, JunDong, M/M, couples fight about stuff, having their own problems, is here somewhere, jundong fights about emotional crap, junhoe hURTS DONGHYUK'S FEELINGS, someone call the police, this is illegal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-16 21:53:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16962156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/JunheeCanHaveMyKidney
Summary: it doesn't really matter who your first was. only who was your last.- goo junhoe





	1. firsts don't matter if you have seconds

**Author's Note:**

> i don't write fight scenes so idk how to approach yelling cuz personally i find upper case awkward and ao3 doesn't keep my italics... so... have fun deciphering my crap <3 
> 
> much love <3

It's 1 am. 

They've spent the last three hours in a club halfway across Seoul, where Donghyuk's cousin hosted a birthday party for another cousin, and he and Junhoe played the "he's just a friend" game. All night.

They're both comfortably buzzed when they make it back to the dorm; Donghyuk's palms are hot and sticky against the bare skin of Junhoe's forearm, as they lead each other in the front door.

"I'm sick of faking it." Donghyuk mumbles as Junhoe reaches around him to shut it. 

The younger boy shrugs his shoulders gently, pushing past Donghyuk and into the kitchen where he promptly opens the fridge in a half hearted attempt to avoid this conversation.

"Could you at least pretend to care?" Donghyuk asks. 

He leans his back against the door, watching as Junhoe rifles through the fridge, ignoring him. 

The last two times they had this conversation, they ended with tears and Donghyuk storming out after Junhoe's weak explanation of why he won't just call him his boyfriend. 

"You know I don't like labels." Junhoe mumbles. 

Donghyuk counts another 30 seconds under his breath, and then he knows Junhoe's avoiding him, considering all they have in their fridge is a few bottles of cheap wine and some leftover macaroni Yunhyeong made yesterday. 

The dorm is eerily quiet, there's no tasteless pandora stations blaring from down the hall, no one yelling; the tv is left on between channels, that static white-black screen and low hum only tells Donghyuk that somebody ran when they heard them get home. 

They all knew this would happen. 

"I know. I know that." Donghyuk huffs. 

It happens every time Donghyuk is invited to somewhere where a date is appropriate and he takes Junhoe, his forever plus one, with high expectations of being able to act like a couple. 

"It's not about commitment, really. I am committed to you, Donghyuk. I just... don't like labels." Junhoe shuts the fridge slowly, making brief eye contact with the older boy before finding extreme interest in the stupid seasonal calendar Yunhyeong taped to the cupboard. 

To be honest, Junhoe hates this. 

He always hates it.

"What ARE WE, Junhoe?" Donghyuk asks, voice rising. 

"What do you call it when we kiss? What are we when you hold my hand? Or when I brought you to meet my dad?"

Junhoe shifts his weight awkwardly, leaning his hip into the counter, head ducked as they begin again. 

Donghyuk's voice rises with every word, each one coming out a little more slurred than the last. 

"You don't think that's special? Do you do this all the time? HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE YOU'RE THE FIRST GUY I'VE EVER BROUGHT HOME?" He yells at the younger boy. 

A door shuts down the hall. 

Somebody's awake, and it sends a surge of energy through Junhoe. 

"YEAH?" He huffs, pushing out of the kitchen to where Donghyuk has been, seething in the entryway. 

"YOU DON'T THINK I LOVE YOU?" Junhoe yells back. 

"You don't think that you're all my firsts, too? Stop being so self absorbed, Donghyuk. Look past yourself for once and take five minutes to think about how I feel, then we can talk about this again." 

There's nothing between them but air, now. 

Donghyuk leans in to where Junhoe can smell the faint alcohol on his breath, and he heaves these big, heavy breaths, one at a time. 

"I've done nothing but think about you for the past two years of my life, Goo Junhoe." He hisses. 

Junhoe laughs now, leaning down to laugh. 

"Bullshit." he laughs. 

"That's absolute BULLSHIT. I don't need to explain myself, or why I don't want to be labeled as someone's BOYFRIEND, DONGHYUK." Junhoe shouts, inching closer and closer till his lips skate across the older boy's as he yells. 

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING SOMEONE'S BOYFRIEND?" Donghyuk yells. 

"HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED AND CONSIDERED THE FACT THAT ITS SHAMEFUL? TO BE GAY? THAT THIS COULD COST ME MY CAREER, MY FAMILY, EVERYTHING? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" His yells till his throat turns an angry shade of red, but he instantly regrets it when he sees the shift in Donghyuk's face. 

"Nothing." Donghyuk says, his voice coming back down to a whisper as he backs away from the younger boy. 

"I don't want anything." he says.

"Just... leave me alone, Junhoe."


	2. you were prettier in my head

When Donghyuk wakes up, it takes him a beat to realize where he is, and then curse the name of every god he knows of when the memories come crashing back in a patchwork laced with regret. 

It takes two beats for him to realize the weight of the arm around his waist. 

"Just leave me alone, Junhoe." he remembers himself saying, the younger boy towering over him, his pretty, crooked lips turned up in a sneer. 

The boy behind him, who the arm belongs to, nuzzles his face into his shoulders, exhaling heavily, his breath warming the swath of skin at the base of Donghyuk's neck. 

The memories come back in patches; Junhoe at the counter, Junhoe in his face, the cicadas in the trees above him, a car pulling up, the window rolling down slowly, the feeling of the doorknob in his palm, a passion fruit seed lodged in his teeth, just bits and pieces of the night before. 

The one thing he remembers most vividly, though, is the blood rushing to his finger tips when Junhoe leaned so close he could kiss him, but yelled at him instead. 

"You awake?" the voice behind him mumbles into his t shirt.

Donghyuk coughs instead of answering, feeling a pair of lips find his throat in a kiss. 

"Good morning." Jinhwan mumbles sleepily, his thumb pressing gently into Donghyuk's hip.

It feels like love.


	3. junhoe rlly sumthin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even ship jundong   
> I ship double b   
> how did this happen

It goes like this: Junhoe is ashamed. 

After all the years he spent batting away his feelings for Donghyuk, making the older boy feel crazy, letting Donghyuk kiss him and squeeze his hand beneath the table tops of the company cafeteria, Junhoe admits that he's ashamed of Donghyuk and what they are. 

So he let Donghyuk leave, and he let Jinhwan go after him an hour later, and he heard them come back, and he watched them kiss, slanted prettily against each other in the frame of Jinhwan's door. 

"I love you." he heard Donghyuk tell Jinhwan. 

"You don't mean that." he heard Jinhwan reply, pulling the younger boy deeper into his room, shutting the door behind them. 

When Junhoe met Donghyuk, they were 15 and 16 years old, and Junhoe knew, from the moment the older boy stepped in the practice room door, his inky black hair kissing at his face, that he was going to love Donghyuk more than he had ever loved someone before. 

And it's been hard. 

Hard, because when they met, Junhoe spoke one emotional language, and Donghyuk spoke another. 

Donghyuk spoke the softer, prettier one, the love language, specific to him, but still everything the world wanted to hear. 

When Donghyuk wraps his arms around Junhoe's waist, it means 'I want to touch you, because I love you', and this is something only Donghyuk has ever told him.

It's new, and it's scary, because it makes him feel vulnerable, because when Donghyuk was being raised on love, Junhoe was being raised on rejection.

So that's the language he speaks. 

He speaks 'rejection' like a second verbal language- he can keep people away as easily as he can take a breath. 

Donghyuk says 'buckle your seatbelt' because he cares, and Junhoe doesn't say anything, because "caring" wasn't a thing he was taught how to do. 

So when he wakes up the next day, and he feels the ache in his chest when Donghyuk's side of the bed is empty, he doesn't know how to get him back, because he was only taught how to push people away. 

"I miss you." he mumbles into nothingness, into the air, and while it isn't love or rejection, it's something.


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first 3 chapters were absolute crap (sorry bout that) and I didn't plan for any of them so im gonna add some chapters at some point that just explain why Junhoe has such problems with accepting himself for who he is (and he is gay) and all that good emotional crap <3 stay tuned folks

The kitchen falls silent when the boys hear the familiar creak of JunDong's bedroom door squeaking open. 

"What's wrong with all of you?" Junhoe grunts as he stumbles into the kitchen sleepily, met by four pairs of wide scared eyes, Hanbin slowly untangling his arms from around Jiwon's waist. 

The tired sun glints in through the blinds over the kitchen windows, leaving a dusty golden haze over each of the boys occupying the kitchen. 

Yunhyeong is the first to smile at him, albeit a forced one, and motion at the widespread of breakfast fixings he prepared on the counter.   
"Help yourself." he says, taking an oily pan to the sink, where he conveniently faces away from the younger boy. 

The light catches him as he turns, illuminating each single hair that stands upright from the ruffled mess of slept on hair, still caked with hair spray from the day before, and he looks like the epitome of something well loved, in the soft morning light, but Junhoe knows Yunhyeong's bed was half empty like his own last night, and that, he thinks, is a goddamn tragedy. 

He sees Hanbin tugging at Jiwon in his peripherals, nodding his head at the hallway, fingertips prodding at the expanse of Jiwon's exposed shoulder, and Jiwon shoves an entire English muffin into his mouth before climbing off his bar stool and following. 

They trail down the hall after each other, hand in hand, whispering softly about things Junhoe supposed real couples talk about. 

For a brief moment, he imagines Hanbin asking if Jiwon has work today, as he tangles their hands together, leading the older boy back to their shared room. 

Junhoe leans his hip into the counter, tugging the shirt he's been wearing since yesterday, down over the edge of the jeans he's also been wearing since yesterday, as he couldn't seem to fit changing into pajamas into his schedule between fighting with Donghyuk and sulking over his fight with Donghyuk. 

"Eat." Yunhyeong says, his voice gentle and firm from over his shoulder, in that way that means Junhoe isn't going to get away with not eating just because he's angry

He picks up a strawberry off of one of the many plates covering the island counter, hands passing over the eggs and breads and sausages Yunhyeong cooked. 

"Where's Donghyuk?" he asks, voice cracking despite his attempt to keep it smooth, neutral, as he rolls the strawberry around his palm. 

Neither of the boys answer. 

Chanwoo spears his grapes with his fork loudly, avoiding eye contact with Junhoe until the latter turns to him and leans in, their noses almost touching, and he asks again. 

"Where's Donghyuk?" he says, lower this time, raspy and ill fitting for the pretty, golden warmth of the kitchen, and Chanwoo shrugs, popping his three speared grapes into his mouth. 

"Where is he?" Junhoe huffs, voice tighter, louder, as he turns to Yunhyeong. 

"I'm right here." Donghyuk says from the doorway of the hall, arms crossed over his chest in that subconscious protective stance he assumes when he's been hurt, when he's been made vulnerable against his will, and it hurts Junhoe too.

Junhoe steps away from the counter, the strawberry rolling right off his palm, hitting the cold linoleum floor with a splat. 

"Oh." he breathes. 

Donghyuk looks like he's about to leave, but they don't have anywhere they're supposed to be today, and that's why getting drunk last night seemed alright. 

They were supposed to have a full day to sleep away hangovers, not fumble around each other like this. 

"Where are you going?" he asks, gently, like how Yunhyeong taught him to. 

Donghyuk's eyes narrow at this, mouth gaping slightly in utter astonishment. 

"Why do you care?" he huffs at the younger boy. 

He's right. 

Junhoe shouldn't care, because Junhoe essentially broke up with him last night during a buzzed rage where he openly admitted to being ashamed of dating him. 

The pan slips from Yunhyeong's palms somewhere behind Junhoe, it clatters back into the sink with a bang, followed by a quiet, "shit." from Yunhyeong. 

"I-I-" Junhoe stutters, his hands gripping at the counter. 

Donghyuk scoffs. "I'm going out of town. With Jinhwan. Not that it's any of your business, I'm only telling you because I feel bad for you." he says. 

Junhoe nods. 

Then Jinhwan emerges from his room, a stuffed bag slung over his shoulder and he's looking at his phone until he runs right into Donghyuk's back. 

"Oh." he mumbles in surprise. 

It takes Jinhwan a beat to find Donghyuk's hand, but he does, and he tangles their fingers loosely, before dragging the latter's hand up to his lips, where he presses a kiss into Donghyuk's palm. 

"Let's go." Donghyuk says, pulling Jinhwan's keys out of his pocket. 

Jinhwan agrees and Chanwoo tells them goodbye, Yunhyeong calling out for them to drive safely and text him when they get there, and Junhoe only watches. 

"We will, bye!" Donghyuk calls over his shoulder, smiling widely as he lets Jinhwan whisk him away from Junhoe. 

The door shuts behind them with a bang. 

And that's that.


End file.
